a lot on my mind..

So right now I am tired and can't sleep because I have a lot on my mind and I don't feel good. I am hoping maybe by saying everything that's on my mind in this post I may be able to calm my mind because I will have gotten everything off my chest, so here goes...

First of all..Callum was doing so good, but now he is not doing so well. He was taking milk, having bowel (I don't know if I spelled that right) movements, passed his EKG..I mean really he just looked like he was doing better than most babies in his condition would do. Well now he is no longer taking in milk, he had to have a blood transfusion, he's losing weight, they found something (I forget what) in his bowel movements that wasn't good and they can't do surgery or an enema because of how little and pre mature he is so they just have to hope that all works out. On Christmas day, he quit breathing and turned blue, but the nurses/doctors got him breathing again.

Second of all, my step sister (the one that is the mother of Callum) is really getting on my nerves. My mom and I have done nothing but go out of our way to be nice to her ever since the day we met her, which was like six or seven years ago. Well, she apparently feels the need to insult others behind their backs to make herself feel good. I have three recent examples to prove this. First, she told her boyfriend/fiance (the father of her child) that my mom didn't like one of his cousins and got all kinds of drama started when that's not even true. My mom has done nothing but try to be nice to the cousin everytime she has seen the cousin, which was like twice. Second, my step sister is completely trash talking her dad to her half sister that's staying with us for awhile, just trying to make her dad seem like this horrible person. While her dad does have his faults (as does everyone else..no one's perfect), he is not a horrible person. Third, we were getting ready to go see Callum at the hospital today and my other step sister's (the half sister of my step sister that had the baby) were supposed to ride with me in my car to the hospital (we had to take two cars because there was 7 of us going) but when that was mentioned, my step sister (the one that had the baby) said "don't get killed" (her way of calling me a horrible driver) so my other step sister wouldn't allow her kids to ride with me. Oh and I just thought of a fourth example. When we got to the hospital, everyone (except me and my mom) went to the bathroom. My youngest little sister asked my step sister (the one that had the baby) why she said what she said, causing the kids to be prevented from riding with me and her words were "because I actually care about them, I don't want them to die, I don't care about you." Okay, I am not a bad driver. I've had two wrecks and my car was totaled each time, but neither time was my fault. I got a speeding ticket like 2 years ago, and right now I'm fighting this ticket that I got where they say I was driving wrecklessly because I was driving at a high rate of speed. I wasn't driving at a high rate of speed, but the cops wrote on the ticket I was. They didn't even use radar or anything so I am hoping I can atleast keep this from being on my record. But seriously, I drive a lot of friends and kids to places and if I was a bad driver, I wouldn't be allowed to do that. My sister and brother let their kids ride in the car with me, and they wouldn't do that if they were scared of my driving. There is only one other person that complains about my driving, and I'm getting to that next.

The next thing on my mind is one of my aunts. She complains about my driving to people and gets people talking about it a lot and trys to make me out to be a bad driver, yet she is always wanting me to take her places when she comes and stays with us. No one in the family complains about my driving unless she gets something started. And she has no right to say anything because atleast I have a license..she doesn't, and she also wants me to take her everywhere when she's here. And also, I can't think of a single person in the family that has not had atleast one or two wrecks (their fault or not) and/or tickets, so whatever.

It just really annoys me when people trash talk me behind my back. If they have something to say, they should say it to my face. And they also shouldn't be trash talking me when they have no right to do so. I am not a bad driver, no, I'm not great, but I don't tailgate people, I try not to speed and for the most part I never go more than 10 miles over the speed limit, I don't drink and drive, I make sure everyone in my car is wearing a seat belt, and I just do my best to make sure that I am aware of my surroundings so that I can keep myself and my passengers safe. If the car in front of me hits their brakes, I hit mine..no matter how far/close I am to the car. If they suddenly slam their brakes, I'll slam mine. I think people don't like how I slam my breaks, but I am not going to get in a wreck because I refused to slam my brakes when the car in front of me suddenly stopped. This trash talking is just really annoying. I don't understand why a 23 year old and 40 something year old think they need to trash talk me to make theirselves feel better. While they will say that's not true, why else would they trash talk me behind my back and be too scared to say anything to my face? It's just really lame. We are no longer in elementary school but I guess they don't seem to grasp that. I hate trash talk. I mean if you have something to say to someone, you should tell them. I myself will tell people what I think of them instead of letting them hear it from someone else. If I don't like something, I tell them in the best way I can without coming accross as rude or I just keep my opinion to myself. I mean if someone was just saying "I don't like her hair" or something like that then yea I'd still be annoyed they weren't telling me, but atleast they are not trying to make me out to be something I'm not to other people. It just really irritates me. When I try to talk to the people that are trash talking me and ask them why they are doing it, they deny it. They are old enough to know you shouldn't do that kind of thing, but apparently they think we are still in elementary school where trash talking is accepted. Well, I don't know if trash talking is accepted in elementary school now, but when I was in elementary school the teachers and staff or whatever didn't pay it much attention because trash talking was just something they considered to be part of the age and eventually everyone would grow up and realize how stupid it is and quit. Apparently some people never grew up enough to realize how stupid it is. I hate it but have no way to change it. Ugh. Well, I am going to end this rant and see if I can get some sleep. Good night everyone.